Q. I am chief bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and am organising a ‘tressour’ party.  Firstly, I would like to know the correct spelling and secondly, what type of fun, ‘not so silly’ games can we play? Kyla, Brisbane, Australia.

A. Dear Kyla,

I think the word you are looking for is ‘trousseau’, and while I haven’t heard of a ‘trousseau party’ before, this simply sounds like another term for a wedding shower. A wedding shower can be held at any time before the wedding. However, it’s usually best to have the shower a few days before the wedding when relatives and friends from out of town are present. The shower can be held anywhere you like, although your house, as you are chief bridesmaid, is probably the easiest and most appropriate choice.

When organising your friend’s shower, you might like to start by choosing a theme. Choose a theme that you know your friend may need help stocking her house with. For example, if she is moving into a new home, a house and garden shower would be great and gifts such as potted plants, garden ornaments, nice pots and decorating books could be given. Other themes include linen showers where guests bring gifts with a linen theme (e.g. tablecloths, bed sheets, place mats, towels), CD showers where guests each bring a CD as a gift, or bar showers where guests bring a bottle or bar accessory. After you have chosen your theme and organised the food you will serve, arrange a few games (it’s best to arrange them a few days ahead in case you need to buy materials). Below are three wedding shower games to get you started:

The advice game

Prepare a piece of paper with some problems you think most couples may encounter during their marriage. Then, get each guest to write down a piece of wisdom or advice they think will be useful to the bride after she is married. The pieces of paper are then mixed up in a hat and drawn out one at a time. You should read a ‘problem’ and then a piece of ‘advice’. The matches you make during this game can be really funny!

The handbag game

Make a list of items you think people keep in their handbags, vary the items from common ones (e.g. car keys) to uncommon ones (e.g. a red pen). Guests should then retrieve their handbags and sit in a circle. The bride then picks an item from her list. The first guest to find the item in their handbag and hold it up gets one point. The person with the most points at the end of the game wins.

Wedding ‘Pictionary’

Collect some paper and pens. Write down some words or phrases connected with weddings on some slips of paper (e.g. cutting the cake, tossing the bouquet, wedding ring etc.). Then, along the lines of ‘Pictionary’ pick your slip of paper and draw away!

Q. We are planning an informal second wedding in our garden and are looking for some ideas for readings that are not too sentimental, too glib, or too religious. Any ideas? Debbie, Brisbane, Australia.

A. Dear Debbie,

It sounds like you want to keep things simple, elegant and understated. I would suggest that you head down to your local bookstore and buy a few books of poetry. The romantic poets (Byron, Keats etc.) would be perfect. Take these home and spend a romantic evening or two choosing a reading with your husband-to-be.

Q. My husband and I are planning to re-new our vows with a traditional wedding ceremony and reception, as when we got married it was done in a registry office.  I would like to know if we should arrange things like a normal wedding ceremony, or if there are different traditions I have to follow. Melina, Caboolture, Australia.

A. Dear Melina,

Good news – there are no traditions when it comes to re-newing your vows, so you have free rein on your day. I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and write a list of all the things you would like your second wedding day to be like, then compare lists. When you have done this, try and implement all of these things to make your day the way you would have perhaps liked it to be the first time around.

Q. What is the whole story behind unity candles? Sharon, New Hartford, USA.

A. Dear Sharon,

The lighting of the ‘unity candle’ is a popular American tradition. There are actually three candles involved in the ceremony: two taper candles, which represent the couple as individuals, and the unity candle itself. The two taper candles are lit and then used to light the single, unity candle, thus symbolising the couples’ commitment to one another.

Q. How long before you will be adding Newcastle to your list of local regions? Could you add a section where questions relating to wedding issues could be answered, i.e. is it okay for my fiancé to have his father as his best man? Lurene, Wallsend, Australia.

A. Dear Lurene,

We will be adding Newcastle to our list of local regions in August. As to your comment about a ‘wedding issues’ section, please feel free to direct all your questions to me. In answer to your own, personal question, it’s fine for your fiancé to have his father as best man, although most grooms do choose their best friend or brother if they have one.

Q. I am getting married soon and one of the things that I'm anxious about are the speeches. My fiancé’s friends are a very rowdy bunch and I've witnessed their antics with speeches at other weddings. Is there a way that I can change the format of the speeches or at least stop my guests from feeling uncomfortable? Nina, Ingleburn, Australia.

A. Dear Nina,

We have an article on ‘toasts and speeches’ coming up for you soon at WeddingNet. In the meantime, I would suggest that you perhaps plan your speeches for earlier on in the night than at the previous weddings you have attended, especially if you think alcohol might be one of the contributing factors to the rowdiness. Make sure everyone speaking understands the rules (no telling stories that may offend and no making tasteless jokes about the wedding night etc. as this would only be fuel for the fire). If you do this, and keep your speeches short so guests don’t get restless (under five minutes is best), you should be fine. However, if you are still concerned, a quiet word in the ear of the guests you think might make trouble could be a good idea.

Q. I am thinking of having small boxes tied with decorative ribbons (aimed to look like miniature presents) for my bombonniere. Besides chocolates and sugared almonds, what else could you suggest I put in them? Basia, Adelaide, Australia.

A. Dear Basia,

Potpourri would be a nice idea, or maybe a small poem expressing your feelings about your wedding day and thanking your guests for helping to make it so special. If you would like to spend a little more money on a truly special gift, you could buy some small, antique-looking silver frames and put these in the boxes. The ideas below may also give you some inspiration.

Q. I am at a loss for inexpensive wedding favors to give at the reception. Help! Monica, St Louis, USA.

A. Dear Monica,

There have been some fantastic new, inexpensive options in gifts for your guests (also known as favors, or bombonniere) lately. While the traditional sugared almonds are lovely, you might like to consider some of the following options:

• sachets or small baskets of potpourri for guests to use in their drawers or wardrobes;
• chocolate covered spoons;
• packets of native seed and a note stating the occasion, date and planting instructions;
• tiny porcelain bells (often available at local discount stores);
• little bottles of bubble-blowing mixture;
• three small candles, tied with a satin ribbon;
• small potted plants or seedlings, with tulle covered pots;
• miniature terra cotta pots, filled with lollies, potpourri, or anything else you like;
• baby notebooks, with an inscription on the inside front cover.

A hint for you: discount stores are great places to look for inexpensive gifts for your guests!

Q. I need to organise the hens’ night and need some great ideas besides ‘Studs Afloat’ etc. Kathy, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Kathy,

There are many new ideas coming forward concerning bucks’ and hens’ nights as their reputation as having a tendency to get out of control has influenced many couples to hold different styles of parties. One great idea is for you and your girlfriends to have a weekend away, perhaps touring some wineries, relaxing at a beauty spa, shopping, or bungie jumping – whatever you like! Another new idea is that of the joint bucks’ and hens’ night where the couple hold a joint party at a nice restaurant, and have a few close friends make speeches. This can also be extended to the weekend away concept by booking a beach or country house for the weekend and having the party there.

Q. I am about to embark upon the huge responsibility of being best man for my brother's wedding. Do you have any idea where I could view some pre-written speeches? Anthony, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Anthony,

We have an article on ‘toasts and speeches’ coming up for you soon at WeddingNet. In the meantime, try the free automatic wedding speech writer at http://speeches.com/wedwriter.htm and see how you go!

Q. Could you please advise me if it is still considered bad taste for guests to wear white or black to a wedding? Ann, Melbourne, Australia.

A. Dear Ann,

Nowadays it isn’t considered bad taste for guests to wear white or black to a wedding. It is, however, in bad taste to wear a dress that is ‘showier’ than the bride’s.

Q. I am looking for a unique gift to present to my wife at the reception. Rob, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Rob,

It’s great that you are putting so much thought into your gift to your wife – I’m sure you’ll come up with something special. I would suggest a gift that can be treasured forever and handed down to your children and grandchildren. A piece of antique jewellery, or a special piece of antique furniture would be lovely (for example, a writing desk). However, for a truly unique gift, how about a plot of land on the Moon? Yes, you can actually buy a plot of land on the Moon from the Lunar Embassy for US$15.99. Check out their website at http://www.moonshop.com.

A. Dear Julia,

This all depends on what time of year your wedding will be held. The following table will show you what flowers will be in season at the time of your wedding and will give you some ideas of what might suit:

Q. I'm a full time international student and I'm getting married to an Australian. I would like to know if I will need any documentation from my country allowing me to get married. Also, who organises the bridal showers? Jini, Reservoir, Australia.

A. Dear Jini,

It would be best to ask your officiant just what documentation you will be required to show for a legal marriage. However, in answer to your second question, I can tell you that it is usually the chief bridesmaid, or matron of honour that organises the bridal shower.

A. Dear John,

The second wedding etiquette rules are changing and they’re changing fast. Thankfully, these days the etiquette lies more with what feels the most comfortable to you and your bride, rather than relying on the ‘rules’ you’ll find in some dusty old book. Thus, your fiancée is free to wear white, as you are to wear a tuxedo, gifts are fine and so is joining a gift registry. Feel free to do what you want on your big day – it’s your wedding after all!

Q. We are thinking of getting married in Bali. However, I have heard that the ceremony would not be a legal one and that we would have to get married here first. Is it possible to get married in Bali and have the marriage acknowledged legally here in Australia? Stacey, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Stacey,

I believe that the marriage is, in fact, legal. However, I would advise calling the authorities to verify this and to check exactly what documents you will need to take with you. Indonesian authorities require all foreigners planning to marry in Indonesia to obtain a ‘Certificate of No Impediment to Marriage’ from their respective consulate or embassy (this is usually in the form of a letter). To obtain this certificate, you must personally swear an oath that you are free to marry and also show specific documents. The documents must be originals and include your:

passport;

birth certificate;

proof of your occupation;

proof of your faith (e.g baptism certificates);

proof of your address;

written consent from your parents if you are under the age of 21; and

the death certificate of your former spouse, or proof of divorce, or decree absolute, if you have been previously married.

Q. What is the price range for make-up done at the brides home for the bride, bridemaids and mother-of-the-bride? Should the price include a free trial? Is it standard for the consultant to supply the make-up and, if so, what about touch-ups during the day? Wendy, Perth, Australia.

A. Dear Wendy,

I think the average price these days is approximately (for makeup only) $50-$60 for the bride and $40-$50 for the mother-of-the-bride and bridesmaids. Often this includes a free trial for the bride. It is standard for the consultant to supply the make-up and he/she will be able to show, or sell you products, that you can use for touch-ups during the day.

Q. My fiancé and I are having trouble deciding who will be sitting at the head table. His parents are divorced and have new partners, but he doesn't want one of the partners at the table and his parents don't really talk to each other. Would it be terrible to just have my parents there, even though I think we should have all six there? My parents will be paying for the wedding with no assistance from his family. Could you think of a better suggestion for us? Jillian, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Jillian,

Hmmm… you do have a problem. As it doesn’t sound like things will go well seating everyone at the head table, I would suggest a re-think on the whole head table concept. Why not solve your problems by having the ultimate in romantic head tables – a head table made for two. Just you and the groom. You could then seat your parents and his parents wherever you felt they would be happy, while the rest of the wedding party (the best man, the maid/matron of honour, the groomsmen and bridesmaids), could have a table of their own. If you do this, no-one will feel left out and it won’t be conspicuous that you’ve tried to separate people who don’t get on.

Q. My fiancé and I have agreed that we should go on holidays and have our honeymoon first, get married by a celebrant, then come back to Brisbane and spend maybe $1000 on a party with our families. We would like to exchange vows somewhere in America, but haven't decided on the destination yet. Could you give me some ideas of an exciting place to get married? We’re thinking of 1/1/2000. Jodie, Brisbane, Australia.

A. Dear Jodie,

This sounds like a fantastic idea and a great, fun, way to get married! As for the most exciting place to be in America on the 1/1/2000, I would have to say New York. Alternatively, what could be more exciting and over the top than Las Vegas? Or, for something different, you might like to consider Hawaii. Whichever you choose, I would suggest that you start planning fast, as 1/1/2000 is going to be a very popular wedding date!

Q. My fiancé is from the USA and has had his name legally changed.  Unfortunately there are some documents that he still has not received with his new name on it.  How will this affect things? Also, it is intended that I move to the States with him after the wedding.  Does marrying a US citizen automatically allow me to enter the States without any visa hassles? Louisa, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Louisa,

These are questions best put to the authorities who are experienced and up-to-date with the latest developments in immigration law. I would also ask your officiant about the problems your fiancé is having with his documents.

Q. My fiancée and I have already submitted the 'Notice of Intended Marriage' to our celebrant. The problem is I haven't the faintest idea of what to do next in organising our wedding. Also, is it O.K to have just a matron of honour and no bridesmaids? Shabri, New Delhi, India.

A. Dear Shabri,

First of all I’ll answer the easy question – yes, it’s fine to have a matron of honour and no bridesmaids.

Now for the harder question! In answer to this, we have an article called ‘I’m engaged – now what do I do?’ coming up for you soon at WeddingNet. In the meantime, I think the best idea to get, and keep yourself organised, would be to go out and buy a large ring binder and some plastic dividers. Use the dividers to make different sections in the binder. For example, you will need sections on your budget, rings, officiant, ceremony venue, reception venue, guests, attendants, decorations, flowers, music, food, cake, entertainment, attire and your honeymoon. Also, buy some plastic envelopes to hold your receipts and any other information you have, such as brochures. Keep this ring binder handy, and you will have all the information you need at your fingertips right through your wedding planning.

Now that you are organised, the best way to start your planning is to sit down with your fiancé and discuss exactly what you think your wedding will be like. This is an interesting discussion for many couples, who find out that they have very different ideas of what they want their wedding to be like. Most importantly, you should discuss how big you want your wedding to be, how many guests will be invited, whether it will be formal or informal, day or night, indoors or outdoors, nearby or at a set destination (Hawaii etc.). Don’t worry about small details at this stage, that sort of planning will come later. At this point in time, it is only important that you both have a broad idea of what your wedding will be like. After this it’s time to plan your budget.

The first question you need to ask yourself concerning your budget is: ‘who will be paying for the wedding?’. This could be any number of people. The traditional way of the bride’s parents paying for the entire wedding is fast becoming history. These days it is not uncommon to see the bride and the groom pay for the entire wedding themselves, or to have the parents of the bride and groom split the cost.

To work out your budget, the first thing you will need to do is decide on three things:

1. How much money you can afford to spend on your wedding;

2. Who will be paying for the wedding;

3. What aspects of the wedding are most important to you.

Once you have decided on who is paying for the wedding, and the amount of money you are able to spend, sit down with your fiancé over a cup of coffee and talk about your priorities. What elements of the wedding are important to your both? What do you want to remember most about your wedding? What do you want your guests to remember? For example, if you have always dreamed of having your ceremony venue filled with flowers, you will need to allocate more money in your budget towards flowers. If you want to remember the great time you had dancing the night away with your guests at your reception, you will want to allocate more money towards entertainment. Choose three or four items that are your top priorities, and set the rest of your budget from there.

Now that you’ve decided what’s important to you, and how much money you have to spend, it’s time to put your phone bill to the test and start ringing service providers – you’re on your way!

Q. Is it really necessary to have bridesmaids at a small wedding?   I ask this for a number of reasons. Firstly, my fiancé and I are working to a very tight budget and I believe the bride is meant to pay for the bridesmaids’ outfits. Secondly, I am having trouble choosing between a long time friend (I will be her bridesmaid next year), my sister and a newer friend with whom I have become quite close.   I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I thought that not having bridesmaids would help ease the problem.  We are planning a small ceremony and reception with immediate family and close friends only.  Any advice? Judi, North Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Judi,

It isn’t compulsory to have bridesmaids, especially at a small wedding. In your case, it sounds like it would be a good idea not to have any if people will be upset at being left out. However, I will bring to your attention the fact that the bridesmaids generally pay for their own outfits as this may solve your budgeting problems and allow you to have all three bridesmaids after all.

Q. I would like to find information regarding traditional Irish weddings. Fiona, Geelong, Australia.

A. Dear Fiona,

I would try searching the internet for some quick and easy information on traditional Irish weddings. I found the following in only half an hour:

• have a claddagh ring for your wedding ring;
• have the groom, best man and groomsmen wear kilts;
• add some Irish cuisine to your reception food (for example, soda bread, stout and Irish whiskey);
• hire an Irish piper or band for your entertainment and teach your guests some Irish jigs, reels or hornpipes; and
• honeymoon in Ireland (of course!).

Q. I am looking for the lyrics to the song ‘The Rose’. I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me find them. Trina.

A. Dear Trina,

I found the lyrics to ‘The Rose’ at the ‘Divine Lyrics of Bette Midler’ site: http://members.xoom.com/KumquatBoy/
bettelyrics.htm.

‘The Rose’

by Manda McBrooom

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,

just remember in the winter
far beneath the winter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.

Q. I would like to retain my maiden name but also take my fiancé’s surname. If I hyphenate our names, is it ok for my fiancé to keep his as is? Emma, Campbell, Australia.

A. Dear Emma,

If you are both happy with this arrangement, then this is fine. However, it may be a good idea to discuss the issue of what your children would then be called.

Q. I would like to know what information we will have to keep in our ceremony and what I can change to suit my own taste (we will be married by a celebrant). Sally, Edgewater, Australia.

A. Dear Sally,

I think it would be a good idea that you first meet with your officiant to find out what must be legally kept in your ceremony, and what can be written by you. Before you do this, it’s a good idea to sit down and make a list of what you and your fiancé would like to say to your family and friends about your relationship and future life together so you will know which parts of the ceremony you might like to change. For example, you may want to halt the ceremony at one point to say something about your feelings for each other, discuss your views on commitment and trust, or to simply read a poem.

Q. My mother and paternal grandfather are giving me away as my father is no longer with us.  Should we all walk down the aisle together, or should each of them walk part of the way with me (the aisle isn't very long or wide)? Who should I ask to make the traditional father-of-the-bride toast?  My fiancé’s father has also passed away, but he has a stepfather, so should we ask him to make a toast? Or should we just leave out these toasts altogether? I'd appreciate any suggestions you may have. Trish, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Trish,

I think the answer to all your questions is ‘whatever you feel most comfortable with’. If you would prefer not to have any toasts or speeches, then leave them out altogether. Alternatively, just have some key people in your lives say a few words instead of the ‘usual’ people (for example, your mother, a friend who has known you both for a long time, or some other special person could make a short speech). As for walking down the aisle, if there simply isn’t enough space for all three of you, I think each person walking part of the way would be a nice gesture – perhaps your grandfather first, then your mother, to symbolise the generations.

Q. What is proper protocol for feeding the photographer, videographer and other paid participants at a wedding reception?  Should they be counted in the head count for the caterer, since this is a per person reception? Florine, Greenbelt, USA.

A. Dear Florine,

If your wedding will be held at a meal time, such as lunch or dinner, your service professionals should be fed. This includes your photographer, videographer, band members and any other professionals you have hired to work at your wedding. Not only is offering them food polite, it will ensure that they are kept happy, won’t need to leave your reception for long periods of time to buy food and they won’t faint from standing up too long! Some brides have a special table set aside for their service professionals, the same as if they were guests. Other brides have their meal brought to them elsewhere, or have their caterer make the professionals a small ‘packed lunch’ style of meal. I would consult with your caterer as to what would be the best arrangement.

Q. I've had an idea for my bridesmaid’s dresses, but I'm not quite sure if it should be done or not! I was thinking of having three bridesmaids in the same dress, but have the dresses in three different colours. I think this is called the rainbow effect. Have you seen this done before and if so, do you think it looks any good? Liz, Sydney, Australia.

A. Dear Liz,

I think that this is a great idea and can tell you that is was very popular at weddings in the 50s. I have actually seen a wedding photo where there were approximately ten bridesmaids, all in the same style of dress, but each dress a different colour – it really did look like a rainbow!

A. Dear Rochelle,

In some cases I would say that your friend may be offended if you offered her money, as she may consider the work she has done to be her present to the bride. However, as your friend has obviously spent a great deal of money on materials, I do think you should offer to pay her for these. As to the appropriate price, I would simply ask your friend how much the materials cost and if she needs anything else for her ‘time’. If you phrase this carefully and tactfully, I’m sure your friend won’t mind your question at all.

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